When Did I Heal? - DivineCaroline

As most (if not all of you know) I'm in the process of a divorce myself. I was married for 10 years. It wasn't an abusive marriage. He never beat me, or threatened me or anything like that. We took each other for granted. I say "WE" because a divorce of this nature is not one person's fault (in my humble opinion). We are both to blame for how our marriage failed. I tried for 10 years to make him just the tiniest bit more social and he in turn spent the majority of our marriage either roleplaying (like dungeons and dragons) or on the computer. We never did things together. We didn't have any "couple friends" that we could hang out with. That kind of thing just didn't happen. We didn't even sit on the same couch in our living room. It got to the point where I was very lonely..... so. very. lonely. I stopped going out with my friends b/c seeing them with their significant others was too painful to watch. I wanted that hand holding, loving caress as they walked by, that knowing look of a secret inside joke that could make the other smile, a quick "I love you".... something, ANYTHING. It doesn't mean that I hadn't tried with my husband. I attempted to encourage him to go with me, hell, I would even do all the lovey stuff to him and he wouldn't have to do a thing. Just COME WITH ME, hold my hand for a few minutes and you are good. I just wanted that time with him. Good communication, laughter, and love filling my heart. We just could never make it happen. It was my decision to end our marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I cried and shook the whole time we were talking. I felt like a failure. Like MY marriage wasn't ever going to add up to the marriages of my friends and family. I would be the first person in my family (ever) to be getting a divorce. It felt like I should have done something like willing to be stronger or attempt something new to save this marriage. I was actually scared to tell my mom. I hated myself for quite a long time for letting my family and my children down. I was wussing out. I was giving up. I was being selfish and thinking of only me and not the needs of the children or my husband ( I was actually told that).

But I got to thinking...

1. What kind of mother am I to stay in a marriage that I am not happy in? I'm lonely, depressed, unhappy. I'm not spending time with my kids like I should b/c I'm working overtime trying to work on a marriage that was down the tubes long ago. Is this the kind of image I would like to reflect to my children?

2. How fair am I being to my husband to stay in a marriage that we both are not happy in (even though he didn't realize it....and still doesn't sadly), keep trying to make efforts in the hopes that one day it will finally work, having multiple conversations with him about how unhappy I was and how we need to work on this, recruiting his friends to help me talk to him... only in the end to feel defeated, lonely and worn out.

I decided that doing what I needed to make me happy would make me a better mother to my children and future leaders of the country and hopefully one day he will realize that we were drowning in our lonliness in our marriage. We actually get along and communicate WAY better now than we ever have. No kidding. We don't agree on everything, but we actually TALK about stuff now. My kids are happier..... don't get me wrong.. they miss daddy and wish we all lived together... but they are happier. I know they are. They know they are. For the first time in MY life I'm happy. Not just happy... but REALLY HAPPY. Content. Settled. At peace. I learned how to love myself and me again. I lost myself for so many years. I stopped caring. About everything.... and anything. I got the opportunity to turn that around. I did something for ME for once.

So this website asks the question... When did I heal? Well, I think my healing is a process... but each day I get better and better. I'm learning how to communicate better, be a better mommy, and love myself again. And I'm HAPPY about the changes to come. :)


When Did I Heal? - DivineCaroline